Recently, a deranged Canadian immigrant attempted to upend the government of the United States by means of violence. I mean, a deranged Canadian immigrant other than Ted Cruz, though that would have been a solid guess.
No, I’m talking about a different cuckoo Canuck, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to write his name here and give him the publicity of my 17 followers.
Side note: you know how we use the name “John Doe” to fill in when the real name is unknown or unshareable? I would like to suggest we use the name “Ted Cruz” instead. Think about it: It’s two syllables, simple, and already has a shitty connotation. In fact, I’m going to use it here, because Elon Musk descended from the great emerald mine in the heir to bestow repercussionless free speech upon me. And apartheid from his express written consent, what more permission do I need?
So, Ted Cruz broke into Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s home in San Francisco, hell-bent on “kneecapping” the person third in line to the presidency. Shouting, “WHERE’S NANCY?” Ted scurried around the home until he encountered the 82-year-old husband of the Speaker, whom he promptly beat with a hammer.
This was a surprising turn, namely because a quick glance at the overly-shared pictures of Mr. Cruz would lead one to believe his soft hands, unaccustomed to work as they clearly are, would be unable to grasp and wield a heavy hammer.
Paul Pelosi suffered blunt force trauma from the attack, resulting in the need for emergency skull surgery. As of writing this, he just got out of a six-day hospital stay and is now at home recovering from the vicious attack.
In a wholly predictable twist, allies of Ted Cruz rushed to provide “reasonable doubt” to anyone unreasonable enough to accept the doubt. And in likewise, wholly predictable “we’re all apparently in third grade” fashion, that reasonable doubt is that Ted Cruz is a gay prostitute.
Yep. “Ted Cruz is a gay prostitute.”
Ha. It has that sort of ring to it that, if said often enough, makes this essay rank first on Google for search queries such as, “Is Ted Cruz a gay prostitute?” or “Ted Cruz = gay prostitute.”
No, not Senator Rafael “Ted” Cruz, who is a public figure and clearly not a gay prostitute. Just throwing that out there for the upcoming libel case against me, a mere satirist with zero…