A Humble Recommendation

Gun violence is rampant, and other than restricting access to firearms — an absolute nonstarter — there’s simply nothing we can do about it. Not a single sensible answer exists. Which is why we have to abandon sensibility and latch on to some good ol’ fashioned American hardscrabble ingenuity.

We have to start killing our own children.

As Abraham stood ready to sacrifice Isaac upon God’s command, America must now willingly sacrifice its young on the altar of its dedication to the Second Amendment. Not metaphorically. Literally.

The natural side effect of easy, constitutionally guaranteed access to firearms is clear: lots of people’s children are destined to die violent deaths. It’s unavoidable. If you want to live in the comfort and safety of an armory, it comes at a cost. But it’s a cost that, as a society, we’ve decided we’re happy to bear.

We’re absolutely unwilling to budge on the sacred right to bear arms, but that doesn’t mean we have to accept every negative consequence of that stalwart stance. We can shoot our rifles and work to reduce the recoil. We can keep our guns and reduce the randomness and terror of unexpectedly losing our family members. Shooting your own kids is the best, if not only, rational solution.

A bullet to the head of your offspring eliminates the unpredictable nature of losing a child to gun violence. By electing to shoot your own kid, you’ll be doing it on your terms, on your schedule. No more worrying every time your kid’s school calls you. No more having the cost of a funeral sprung upon you, thrashing your plans and your budget. You’ll be able to take your child’s life at a time that is convenient for you…and your bank account. That’s microeconomic fiscal responsibility, friends. And you’ll walk in the stoic, prudent footsteps of your forefathers as you rob Fate of her ungodly dice. No one decides when your kid is going to die, other than you. Keep a stiff upper lip while you say your goodbyes, steel your reserve, and take ownership of your determination to protect the Constitution, patriot.

You’ll insulate the rest of the community from the trauma of witnessing unexpected, gory death in a previously safe place of learning, worship, or entertainment. By shooting your child, you decide where to…