A Humble Recommendation

Gun violence is rampant, and other than restricting access to firearms — an absolute nonstarter — there’s simply nothing we can do about it. Not a single sensible answer exists. Which is why we have to abandon sensibility and latch on to some good ol’ fashioned American hardscrabble ingenuity.

We have to start killing our own children.

As Abraham stood ready to sacrifice Isaac upon God’s command, America must now willingly sacrifice its young on the altar of its dedication to the Second Amendment. Not metaphorically. Literally.

The natural side effect of easy, constitutionally guaranteed access to firearms is clear: lots of people’s children are destined to die violent deaths. It’s unavoidable. If you want to live in the comfort and safety of an armory, it comes at a cost. But it’s a cost that, as a society, we’ve decided we’re happy to bear.

We’re absolutely unwilling to budge on the sacred right to bear arms, but that doesn’t mean we have to accept every negative consequence of that stalwart stance. We can shoot our rifles and work to reduce the recoil. We can keep our guns and reduce the randomness and terror of unexpectedly losing our family members. Shooting your own kids is the best, if not only, rational solution.

A bullet to the head of your offspring eliminates the unpredictable nature of losing a child to gun violence. By electing to shoot your own kid, you’ll be doing it on your terms, on your schedule. No more worrying every…