Come Join My Wild Pigeon Chase

I own a restaurant in Washington, DC. We’re situated near the Smithsonian museums, the FBI headquarters, and lots of other federal office buildings. As you might imagine, we’ve been a little slower than ideal lately.

Why is it slower than usual?

I told my team that neither their service nor their food was at fault for the slowdown. It’s not competition from other restaurants or food trucks. It can’t be the weather, nearby construction, or the homeless people who ask our customers for money at the front door. While any and all of those issues would be worth an in-depth, intellectual investigation, I told my team that none of those are important.

We’re only slower than normal because of pigeons.

Now I know what you’re thinking: pigeons can’t possibly affect my business that much. And they surely don’t affect me more than the weather or competition, right?

Trust me, I know business, and I know pigeons. It’s those disgusting pigeons, case closed.

Granted, there are almost no pigeons anywhere near my restaurant. But that’s precisely what makes them so dangerous. While you can’t see them, they’re bringing pigeon diseases, pigeon drugs, and cold french fries they find in the garbage. When you turn your back, they bring their savage, pecking ways to our civilized society.

You may think that every pigeon you’ve ever seen has just been minding its own business, toiling away in the park, trying to get enough scraps…