Hold For Disingenuous Applause

Friends, don’t ask me how I’ve done it, but I’ve managed to get an advance copy of Donald Trump’s State of the Union address. I know, you’re thinking, “yeah, right — there’s no way Donald Trump actually wrote something down.” I was as surprised as you. I was sure that his impromptu, rambling nature was a ploy to divert us from his “a very special Facts of Life “ reality of being illiterate, but not wanting Tootie and Mrs. Garrett to find out. I was wrong. The reality, however, might be even scarier.

“Thank you, thank you.

Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, it is my distinct honor to address this assembly to deliver my remarks on the State of the Union.

[Hold for applause]

Last year when I got to Washington, or, ‘the Swamp,’ as I like to call it, the nation was a total failure. We were in the worst tailspin ever seen. The former president and his Deep State cronies had us on a collision course with certain death. Metaphors were being mixed willy-nilly.

Speaking of Willy-Nilly, what’s the deal with Bill Clinton, am I right? Someone ask his wife what it’s like to be a loser.

[Hold for laughter]

That one’s for you, Andy McCabe. Don’t let the doorknob hit ya where the Good Lord split ya, buddy.

But seriously folks, after winning the biggest electoral landslide in history, it was clear to literally everyone — even losers who voted against me — that America wanted Donald J. Trump to Make…