I’m The Most Forgiven Person Ever

According to Tony Perkins, the head of the Family Research Council, Donald Trump gets a mulligan for his indiscretions with adult film star Stormy “My Parents Didn’t Name Me ‘Stormy Daniels’” Daniels.

Fun fact: that might be the first time in history a person’s nickname required both single and double quotation marks. You need to understand; I’m an innovator. That’s why they need to stop calling me Rickey “No One Calls Me ‘Innovator’” Dobbs.

Who’s “they,” you ask? Do the words “secret society” mean anything to you?! Get woke, friends. And shook. And other words in the wrong tense for some reason.

Way back in ancient times — 2006 — societal norms were utterly different than they are today. It was a time when a 59-year-old man could keep trading in his wives for new models (literally) without remorse or public scrutiny.

It was an era when modern impediments to carousing like “I’m married,” or “I have a 4-month-old son at home,” or “I’m terribly afraid of sharks” wouldn’t slow a randy middle-aged frozen steak tycoon from grabbing his prey. It’s just the way it was back then, and to judge a man by today’s standards is patently unfair.

By the standards of the day, the thrice-married Trump was just doing what thrice-married dudes did back then: opportunistically shtupping porn stars while his fifth child by a third different woman was learning to sit up and hold his own bottle.